i like to look up random things about my neighborhood in my spare time, you can never be too familiar with your surroundings and their history. this morning i discovered various organizations whose sole purpose is to keep east harlem's children on the right track. most of them claim to have been around for years upon years.. and that's beautiful. but where in the hell were they when i was their target group's age?

in jr high all the boys had their "Brotherhood" thing and the girls had Girls Inc. but that was only for a year and we weren't lucky enough to go on retreats like some of the other girls in the program did. we settled for classroom conversations about dumb female shit and free breakfast(which didn't even last the whole year). they offered no guidance, no motivation, no anything.. well, unless you count free food as motivation to come to class. for some reason they didn't bother with us the followin' year, but unfortunately for me, my community service gig was with them. it blew. i made collages and sorted through camping pictures. made flyers for all different types of events and meetings. all the stuff we never got, i organized. complete slap in the face.

we had a pregnant girl at our Movin' Up Day ceremony. a pregnant 8th grader. i can't help but to think that could've been prevented if we got a little push to be more then just products of our environment. just a little. just enough to make up for what we weren't gettin' at home. just enough to make us want to end the cycle with us. just enough to assure a broke inner city kid that's not all they were ever gonna be. was that too much to ask for?

better question, how did this happen? was I too good of a kid? is that why i went under the radar? because i had good grades, no behavior issues and never got into trouble, is that the reason i was overlooked? is that the reason no one bothered to ever ask me if i wanted or needed some guidance? i didn't emit a cry of help so there wasn't a need to expose me to the various things my ''troubled'' peers were exposed to?

i've never fit in anywhere.. so i can't say that i'm surprised. though i am highly disappointed. i mean, look at me now..

it makes me wonder how many other good people have and how many other good children will slip through the cracks. i wish i could save them.